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I am a liar.

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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2006|06:48 pm]
I am a liar.
I love boys
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(no subject) [Oct. 31st, 2005|06:24 pm]
I am a liar.
some things happen, big or little, big to some little to others, no matter what the outcome, that change your whole look on everything. you don't have to show it, and maybe you don't change, but inside you know that everything from that point on will be different.

I've taken advantage of so many people in my life it's disgusting. People I've loved and people I've hated and everyone in between have at one time or another only appealed to me if I could gain from it. I've discarded people I built my life around and forgot how happy I was around them or just forgot that that’s what matters. I’ve expected everyone to be there when I needed them and to stick around when I didn’t and convinced myself I was there for them when they knew more than I did that I just wasn’t. I won’t apologize for any of it. I can’t change a damn thing but to try my fucking hardest to catch myself before I do it again. It’s never on purpose. I just want to believe that in the end the only person I’ll have is myself. And I always will have myself. But this weekend, the one thing I know for sure and never ever wanted to admit before, is that I’m not the only one I have.

The real reasons I love my friends:
-for watching me on Friday
-for taking care of me
-for getting me home all right
-for all the “how are you doing”s I got today
-for all the “don’t be so fucking stupid”s I got today
-for being able to be themselves, no matter what other people say and no matter what anyone will ever think, it’s all they can do
-for being there for me. no matter what.
-for thanksgiving and christmas plans, and missy always forgetting to remind us she’s jewish
-for not making me talk when I don’t want to
-for making me talk when I don’t want to
-for completely understanding
-for being so damn worried for me.

and I feel like the worst person in the world for making them do all of that and for missing Kat’s sweet sixteen and Hansen’s birthday and Jess getting her license and for not being able to bonfire with Cass and Lindsay today and I feel worse that I’m missing out when I know for a fact for the first time that I should be there.

I can’t stand to be in the same room with my dad and I hate the person he is and I hate almost everything he does but I have to give him credit for every once in a while being a really good person because a lot of the things he does are from stress and I really think he just doesn’t understand when to stop. But I love my mom. So much. And I feel so bad for all those kids who don’t get along with their moms or who were raised by people who bring them down and don’t even make an effort because I don’t think about it a lot but I’m so lucky to have her. The first thing everyone told me on Saturday morning was how cool my mom was about it and how she got everyone fed and got them blankets and took care of my friends like I should have if I hadn’t passed out drunk. And the first thing she said to me on Saturday morning was how she wasn’t angry and the only reason I’m grounded is because I put everyone off so bad on Friday by not being able to take care of them. Today she told me when she was 15 she came home smashed like I did but it was during grandmom’s bunco night so she could never be mad because it happens. And she got arrested for underage drinking once when a cop saw her with a beer in a car. And I feel so bad for lying and for sneaking around and for being such an ass and all I want to do is follow the rules and all I want to do is to make everyone happy and I love my friends so much and I can’t say that enough and I’m so fucking happy that we are where we are and I’m so grateful to have my mom and to have us be the way we are and it hurts so bad every time I lie to her and to know that she has no idea what’s going on and to know how much it’d hurt her if she found out and I really really don’t want to be so goddamn fucking dumb. But I just can’t help it.
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(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2005|03:12 pm]
I am a liar.
Reasons why I fucking love my friends:

--"I've got a bottle of gatorade for you! not here at my house you'll get it tonight"
"ummm all right. why the hell would I want gatorade"
"it's REALLY GOOD gatorade.... trust me"



--"um yeah so you definately gave me the wrong number this morning"
"no way you just read it wrong"
"I don't think so... you weren't really yourself this morning, you don't know your own phone number"

--"next time he asks you that, I'm just going to say 'Kate's really pissed off today, don't ever talk to her again'"



The past few months have made my life, and when I say I'm happy I've never meant it more. Right now, where the things that are wrong aren't me, but things I can't change, I need them more than ever, and I've never been this certain that they'll be here.
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(no subject) [Oct. 14th, 2005|10:56 pm]
I am a liar.
I hope everyone realizes I appreciate them all, everyone who was ever in my life and everyone who still is and everyone who will be, I appreciate them for who they are and any way they ever affected me and all the things they've done, even if I never act like it.

I love being able to say "the girls" and mean it.
I love us being there.
And I love how every time we're together, at least once we talk about how perfect this all is and how these past two months have been the best school months ever and making plans for the next couple ones and knowing that we all intend to have them and all know how fucking great it'll be.
I love my friends, I love my friends, I love my friends more than anyone else in the entire world. There's nothing else like this.

I'm taking the PSATs tomorrow morning, and I'm really excited to feel all right showing up at school in sweats a tshirt and my glasses. I'm glad Jess called tonight. And I'm really excited for homecoming, and the fact that she's now coming.
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(no subject) [Oct. 3rd, 2005|03:04 pm]
I am a liar.
this weekend was so much fun.
next friday, east/west game.
today zoe was pointing out how last year I never did anything and this year I've gone to every football game and I'm going to homecoming and I'm really into everything. and all I could say is "I'm having so much fun".
and I am.
You aren't going to enjoy things by not being a part of them.
first basketball workout tomorrow.
and I'm nervous as hell.
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Important Claims. [Sep. 28th, 2005|07:42 pm]
I am a liar.
I'm going to Italy next summer.
I'm also going to Australia, New Zealand, and Fiji.
That's right. Fucking FIJI.
And we're going to an island on the coast of Rhode Island to hopefully find a place for our third house.
Our second house is going to be finished by Christmas.
I feel like everything is completely and entirely in place.
(With my friends and with my life and even, for the first time in my life, with my future.)
I got an 87% on my near-impossible Honors Chem test.
I love my Honors Chem teacher, even though she can't teach that well in front of the class, she knows what she's talking about, and after Tori and I came by in 9th period to see if she graded our tests she got them out and graded them so that we could have them back when we had the class 10th period.
I have an Honors Math Analysis test, a Spanish quiz, a Chemistry quiz, and my first Luzenski five paragraph theme due date tomorrow.
This five paragraph theme is one of the best I've ever written.
I like all my classes a lot.
This is going to be a good weekend.
I'm going to be Junior class co-president, with Kelsey Fisher.
She's also going to play rugby with me. I really like having her around.
I'm doing set painting for my graduation project.
I'm going to either Yale or UPenn.
I think I could easily get into UPenn, but I'm going to have to bust my ass to ever have a chance at Yale.
I hope I didn't already screw it up.
I don't think I did.
I have physical therapy tomorrow.
My first basketball workout is Monday.
I'm nervous.
I've been running/jogging three miles a day lately.
I feel healthy.
Every day for breakfast I have a Danon light&fit smoothie and 1/2C of granola.
Every day for lunch I have an apple cinnamon NutraGrain bar.
When I come home from school I have a banana.
I eat whatever my mom makes for dinner.
Except today I had peanut butter and jelly for dinner because she's in San Jose and my dad took my brother to football.
I like it that way.
Eating basically the same thing every day, I mean.
Tomorrow is the last day of school for the week.
I'm going to sleep as soon as I come home.
It's going to be a good weekend.
Tomorrow I'm going to tell my mom I think that she, Emily, and I should go to London for a weekend sometime this school year.
I think she'll agree.

I really like that idea.
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(no subject) [Sep. 27th, 2005|02:51 pm]
I am a liar.
this weekend ruled my life, and the next one is going to be so fucking amazing.

I hung out with kacee and stacy for the first time in over a year on friday. it was so much fun, I missed those girls SO much I love them to death I'm so glad they're back in my life. It's so good just to have them around everything is so much better. OH YEAH friday during the day I wore my FREE HANSEN shirt so I got my "breakfast" in return and had the best day ever. It was hysterical. There has yet to be two people cooler than me and Hansen.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSaturday me and lindsay went to kop for about twelve hours. seriously. we left at 11 and I got home at 4. it was redick. we didn't even buy anything basically except starbucks and lindsay got a couple sweaters. I went to the east west girl's soccer game and chilled with my homies. that was really cool. no but I hung out with paige and jen and the girl with diabetes a bunch and they're really fun of course. then I went back to shay's with kacee missy colleen kat stacy and jane I think that's it. and shay's brother shane had jason pj and dan over. and wow. that was so much fucking fun. me stace and jane smoked SO MUCH with shane and his friends I could barely walk and went back inside and got so drunk but everyone else was even worse than us. it was so much fun I lost SO bad at beer pong though it was incredibly sad and shay was so funny me and kat convinced her she was a wolf and she started howling I almost peed my pants. we're all going to missy's on saturday that should be fun. I love that group of girls we all got so much closer within a day, I think this is the first time since the beginning of middle school that all the girls are getting along. with zero drama. it took us two years but we've finally got it down. I really hope it doesn't change. I love the way things are right now.
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(no subject) [Sep. 24th, 2005|08:30 am]
I am a liar.
no matter what I do, I'm always gonna have really good friends.
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perfectly [Sep. 17th, 2005|01:28 am]
I am a liar.
I definately just kicked Lindsay out of my house. It's 1:30 AM. It's been a good life.
soCollapse )

It's the secrets beneath the leaves
I keep with me
I'm falling up and down
And I'll never write the letter
I wish you could read the words
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(no subject) [Sep. 13th, 2005|03:28 pm]
I am a liar.
I go through too many phases with people.
I worry about too many things that I shouldn't be that concerned with.
The things I should be concerned with, I don't worry about enough.
I wish guys realized that just because I hook up with them, doesn't mean I like them.
Or that I even want to talk to them at all.
I wish people would stop making a big deal out of stupid things.
A lot of people are really annoying.
I'm really really happy that I'm being friends with a lot of people again.
I'm really happy I'm not friends with a lot of people I used to be friends with.
I don't understand why a lot of kids don't realize that sometimes I really don't care and sometimes I really do. And I'm the only one who can decide which of the two it is at that moment.
My stomach is dead.
I need sleep.
Everything would be so much better if everyone just listened to me.
I have a lot of things to take care of. Life-wise.
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